one month

8:30 tonight will be the one month mark.

i guess these are the milestones, anniversaires, knotches on the clock that are meant to induce pause and reflection and a dose of unashamed navel-gazing as we take stock of where we are, what we've done, who we were and what we're quickly [or not so quickly] becoming.

some things never change. i'm still stubborn as hell. outspoken. a little distant but passionate as ever [and no, not in any 'interesting' sense...this place knocks that out of you pretty quickly...]

but what i realised last night is this: that i am learning to love. and not the individual. spending 7 hours a day with these kids, i am learning to love, openly, to trust openly, and to listen. things are getting quieter and i dont quite know what to do with the change. scarier is the reality that with this change inevitably comes something i have yet to ever truthfully do: learn to love myself.

i'm also a little saddened by the fact that those who are with me while i figure this all out are going to be so incredibly distant one year from now.

but more frustrating is the reality that those who deserve more than anyone else in my life to finally have reciprocated that which they have always given so freely to me, arent here now to experience this change.

everyone in this house, in this city, seems to looking for something. i think i've written this before but it still surprises me that in a country so raw, so real, so black and white in so many ways....i still find myself and the people around me to be so full of this strange, unmistakable loneliness that no one seems to know how to handle. i'm not trying to be all emo and 'oh my life sucks, people are sad'-bs. i'm just trying to capture the sort of colour i cant post in photographs. it tints our daily lives here.


to those of you who know i love you, trust me.
to those of you who have yet to know that, trust me that you will.