St. John of the Cross

IF YOU LOVE

You might quiet the world for a second

if you pray.

And if you love, if you

really love,

our guns will

wilt.

pagoda pics.

from oudong. sorry, they're a bit of a mess. not reeeally happy with them but i figured i should get them up before i forgot them.

one month

8:30 tonight will be the one month mark.

i guess these are the milestones, anniversaires, knotches on the clock that are meant to induce pause and reflection and a dose of unashamed navel-gazing as we take stock of where we are, what we've done, who we were and what we're quickly [or not so quickly] becoming.

some things never change. i'm still stubborn as hell. outspoken. a little distant but passionate as ever [and no, not in any 'interesting' sense...this place knocks that out of you pretty quickly...]

but what i realised last night is this: that i am learning to love. and not the individual. spending 7 hours a day with these kids, i am learning to love, openly, to trust openly, and to listen. things are getting quieter and i dont quite know what to do with the change. scarier is the reality that with this change inevitably comes something i have yet to ever truthfully do: learn to love myself.

i'm also a little saddened by the fact that those who are with me while i figure this all out are going to be so incredibly distant one year from now.

but more frustrating is the reality that those who deserve more than anyone else in my life to finally have reciprocated that which they have always given so freely to me, arent here now to experience this change.

everyone in this house, in this city, seems to looking for something. i think i've written this before but it still surprises me that in a country so raw, so real, so black and white in so many ways....i still find myself and the people around me to be so full of this strange, unmistakable loneliness that no one seems to know how to handle. i'm not trying to be all emo and 'oh my life sucks, people are sad'-bs. i'm just trying to capture the sort of colour i cant post in photographs. it tints our daily lives here.


to those of you who know i love you, trust me.
to those of you who have yet to know that, trust me that you will.

kep'd

coconuts.

these coconuts were a gift from the head monk at the pagoda we were invited to celebrate pchum benh with last week.

it was a theraveda buddhist pagoda, the most common form of buddhism in cambodia, one that seems to be a utilitarian mix of buddhist, hindu and local beliefs and traditions. there are many large 'wats' [as they're called in khmer] in phnom penh but the ones in the countryside seem to be far more significant [as phnom penh literally empties every major holiday as people return to their home villages to be with family]. so left the city and drove out to oudong, about 2hours north east of phnom penh, to the home village and pagoda of one of our khmer friends who also works for bridges. he had actually spent a number of years studying as a monk there after the death of his parents and wanted to show us where he came from.

it was definately one of the stranger days we've had. the pagoda we went to had obviously been of some stature pre-wartime. now it was a faded, dusty, sadly beautiful shell of what it used to be, with bullet holes and mortar shell marks poc-marking most of the statues and mausoleums. the ceremony itself was interesting though, the villagers were happy to include us in their rituals, eagerly taking us to the front of the line when it came to making the offerings, laughing at our confusion when it became plain obvious that we had no idea what to do. the festival of pchum benh is a two week period in which family members visit the pagoda as many days as they can spare, bringing food and lighting incense in exchange for the monks helping them pray for the souls of those family members caught on earth as spirits [and not reincarnated as is the buddhist belief]. it was a little overwhelming praying for the dead in a country who knows so many ghosts.

so thats my coconut story. i came home after work today to crashing and loud laughter/shouting as mike and savette busted the lot open. and it reminded me. so there you go.

[xx.el]

alright.

so i sat down, wrote a 'deepandmeaningful' about how things were going, my philosophy on learning curves and egos, our weekend on the coast, all peppered with my pathetic attempts at poetic depiction and humour [hah].

and then i ran out the door to get to a meeting, forgetting to post it. and now its lost.

so as i am not in the mood to try and rewrite what i so carefully typed out....

heres this weeks random photo selection.

i heart kep. [and i have never meant that more.]

b&w shadows and monsoons [...what, he kept gettin in the way]

me and ma homies [or 'when all else fails, bring your camera']

[111 years of inner conflict and confusion]

today was tough.

not tough in any physically demanding sort of way. just exhausting in the mental, emotional, pyschological sense. the sky was heavy, the kids were distracted, and our heads were a nasty combination of both. and then to multiply it all by 6 and stick us under one roof, with personal doubts, frustrations, illness, and conflicts flaring like potshots over a no-mans land, well, it makes you want to cry, scream, run, laugh, or just sleep.

i held two people today, both broken down to tears and i know its just a matter of time for the third. but what i dont understand is why, of everyone here, i seem to be the one who brings out this vulnerability. at least it seems to be that i've become the one person that people finally break down around as soon as they find themselves one on one with me. and its not like i'm prying. i simple 'hows it going', even a smile and they just seem to crack.

ah...who would have thought i'd feel so emotionally isolated in such a full house.

there just doesnt seem to be enough room left for my own frustrations or doubts or fears. everyones filled it with their own.

i'm looking forward to getting to the coast this weekend. i am in serious need of the ocean.

i think i understand now why bruce took up running marathons.

[one bird+rooftop-anchored skyline]

where

is

my

head.


[i think its time to land my mind.]

mai.

if you were here i would walk us down the dirt road by this house and sit and watch the evening sun blend the gold, red, brown, and laughter into a delicately laid warmth, woven with the comfort and human fragility that so become one hug from you.

[i love you mom.]

'juxtapose THIS!'

[i'll just let you peice what you'd like from this little suite o randoms]

jail-break and some clouds i met.[this is ma' hood]

after a second solo afternoon at the CCH i grabbed my camera and broke out of the compound [alright, i walked out the open frontdoor] and went for a walk around a block in ma neighbo-hood.

oystein was still bed ridden and mike had tried to come but couldnt last the day. he made a fabulous transition from grey to ashen white around 1030 am and i sent him home perched, half-swaying on the back of a moto. [dont worry, he will be fine. its just a flu.] so after playing postwoman after i combining the intermediate and advanced classes and improv-ing a lesson on letter writing [to be sent to the boys... ] i put on my sandles and WALKED....something i have not been able to do for more than 30 seconds at a time since my back peaced last saturday. i only went around the block and it was more than enough but i wanted to give y'all a better idea as to what my neighbourhood looks like. it was also a brilliant night for the Cloud Appreciation Club, haha so please bear with me :)

*note on the letters: it was funny, they were incredibly dramatic/romantic/cheesy and i finally made the connection between the bad english pop songs that they knew all the lyrics to and the english phrases they were most comfortable saying/writing....starting to think i should expose them to some tom waits or tori amos, add a couple of layers of depth to their lyric bank :P]

moto solo

so it happened.

after joking to people in emails last night about our team dropping like flies and my taking on the 35 kids solo with one lesson plan and a broken back mike came upstairs this morning looking a rather spectacular shade of grey.

and the day went spectacularily. it wasnt 'spectacle-worthy' but i just sort of exhaled and went with every conversation, meal, class, smile and moto the day threw at me. the only proper class that took place was my afternoon class with my intermediates, 6 lovely, lovely, girls who like to ask questions, work hard and laugh at my hilarious attempts at khmai. and despite my rant on the way out the door reminiscent of edward nortons 'f-new york' monologue in the '25th hour' [and my quick english lesson introducing the words 'tough' and 'lame' ie, 'girls are tough, boys are lame'....hehe], it was kinda nice to have a chance to just sit down and chat with some of the students one on one.

i have made an effort, and so have the others, to not press the kids for their histories. we're not here to pity them, we're not here to shower them with misplaced, alienated sympathy. we're here to work with the kids as we know them and as they know us, in the present.

so when one of the girls who, at 14, has been through more than many of us could even comprehend surviving with a fraction of the intelligence and grace and unconditional warmth this young woman possesses, decided to sit me down and tell me her story during the break at lunch today, i was caught a little off guard. i am still trying to digest how this girl and her brother, who right from day one adopted me as their 'sister', could just calmly sit in front of me and rationalise with such a rare maturity the violence, abuse, and exploitation that she has experienced with the simple practicality of a repeated 'everyone's life is difficult.'

i have never met so many old souls in so many young faces.

riding home on the back of a moto as clouds to the left threw their fat raindrops horizontally, trying to catch us unawares as we rode under deceptively blue sky, my mind finally felt at home amongst the red mud, stray dogs, broken pavement and woven traffic.

and tonight held a beautiful, modest sunset.
[and i finally counted stars].

me+rain+no roommate+3hrs of bbc =

so its raining....and dark out....and half the house is sick/working/out....

so here is me :)

[please laugh. i certainly was.]