quit the tears.

this week has made me realise some things. some uncomfortable, unromantic, but incredibly real things.

it doesnt matter where you are, what you do, or how many live-aid concerts MTV may air on your country of origin. the west fascinates and pacifies itself with HBK projects and monetary blessings in the belief that they will bring happiness to whoever it trickles down to, and that in doing so, they will receive, in some abstract way, good karma, a lighter conscience, or some other pat-on-the-back still allowed by a society so drenched in guilt.

and while i fully appreciate the importance of financial investment, whatever the motive, in projects like the one in Kep or Pursat or the funds that keep the centres we're working at running, it really is only one part of the equation.

to bring happiness, to be able to find or inspire true happiness in yourself or in others, has little to do with the material. neither does it really matter what part of the world you live in. the truth is, once we figure out how to meet our basic needs, whether you're in phnom penh, victoria, russia, new york, to be truthfully happy is entirely up to you.

you cant rely on the kindness of others. you cant rely on material wealth. you cant even rely on doing the 'selfless' to appease your nagging guilt for being born too rich or too poor or too smart or too healthy. and no child or adult, no matter how horrific a slum or violent a past or broken a family they may come from, are going to derive much from your half-baked efforts.

until you can be happy with yourself, and entirely happy with what it means to be yourself, regardless of race or language or wealth or religion, until you can stop relying on others to get what you need to keep you honest and content and in the moment, you've got a hell of a chance of inspiring that in someone else.

the past couple days have exposed maybe more than is really needed right now but thats the reality of this place. and what keeps surfacing out of all the turmoil, both inner and outer, is this. you cant hide from yourself. you cant fake a smile, you cant rely on others, you cant 'lose yourself' in some foreign country, and you certainly cant cry and feel bad for someone and feel better for feeling guilty. until you learn to find humanity for yourself, how can you possibly share it. humanity is the one thing that links every single one of us on this planet and yet it seems to be the first thing to be forgotten. to be human is to be an individual, and unless that individual can learn to love themselves, then this frantic, hap-hazard quest to bring 'happiness to all' will undoubtably fail.

quit the tears. please. they're not going to help anyone. save that energy and help yourself.